Just Breathe

I brought you some something close to me
And left with something new
I can see through your head
You haunt my dreams
But there's nothing to do but believe



I’m used to it by now
Another day
Just believe
Just breathe
Just believe
Just breathe
Lying in my bed
Staring at the ceiling
Just breathe
Another day
Another day
Just believe
Another day
I’ m used to it by now

Breathing gets me through the moments - not only the physicality of inhaling and exhaling but symbolic of retrieving, bringing in, the relinquishing and letting go. Everyday there are those things that we must learn to LEARN and learn to LEAVE where they are.

Familiarity is comforting. It fits. It feels right. But taking the stride to move outside your comfort zone can be daunting.

SO for the days you need the EXTENDED REMIX - have a look here!

Youth is wasted on the Young ~George Bernard Shaw

Youth is fleeting? Really??? Who said THAT?

Why is it then, that sometimes I find, hidden between moments of everyday life, glimpses of my youth. Not fleeting memories of it either, but honest-to-goodness youthfulness.

That feeling of excitement that buzzes through your body when gazes meet.

The soft pink flushed cheek, of a pleasurable embarrassment, against words that make you trimble warmth from the inside out.

Raised goosebumps as your naked knees touch on a bench in the park.

Something about this song makes me want to stand in a field in Montana wearing a white, eyelet sundress wearing boots.

George Bernard Shaw also said "We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing".
He was an Irish playwright who lived to be 94 years old.

I think that he knows what he was talking about.

Throwin' Down My Heart

One thing that amazes me about myself, in a good way, is my continual ability to forgive. I absolutely cannot harbor resentment. I'm just not capable of it. My broken-heartedness may sometimes take time to mend - but it always does. I love that - because I absolutely abhor the way hatred feels inside of me. It doesn't "fit". and I'm glad for that.

Being in the mood to experience some different music this evening I searched my Netflix account and scrolled to "Bela Fleck: Throw Down Your Heart". Being a fan of Bluegrass, I appreciate the Banjo and this documentary is about Bela Fleck's journey into Africa - incorporating his genius banjo playing with the local music in Uganda, Tanzania and other African countries. Driving home the statement "Music is a universal language".

Each and every time Bela Fleck entered a new country, he was welcomed with excitement and acceptance from the natives. He was greeted with smiles, laughs, affection and a shared understanding of the love and appreciation of music. I started thinking about my heart as a musical instrument and the previous ways in which I have handled joy, sadness, disappointment and intimacy in relationships. In regards to moving forward, sharing again, always so guarded. subdued. restrained. reticent. inhibited.Which in a sense, is how I feel my persona becomes.

After carefully giving my love and heart to a man, for whatever reasons, after a time of totally possessing it, he gives it back, a little more used and bruised than before. I've always been so careful with my heart upon those returns. Taking extra care to protect it longer, hold it closer, not allowing the same "opportunities" to enslave my "precious" heart again. But something about the last 8 months has allowed me to become carefree with it. More accepting of the rejection and loss. The rejection doesn't really feel like rejection anymore. It's become more of an affirmation or realization of knowing what I do or don't want. And realizing that everyone's destination in the end is the same. A journey to find that love and acceptance that isn't subdued and restrained and inhibited.

Bela cried upon parting with the locals, having gained an understanding that sometimes communication, as very important as it may be, isn't always necessary to connect, to mesh and to weave bits of your life into anothers'.

So, for the moment, I'm throwin' it down.

My heart.

I'm not just Virtually Insane....

I am a firm believer in being myself. If I got all caught up in trying to be who you or you or you wanted me to be I couldn't be around all three of you at the same time (considering I had to be a different persona to each of you). And not that we don't possess multi layered personalities, with some layers showing more than others at times, we still should always be our true selves. (Remember my #1 Glass Heart Rule?)

Well, there ya go.


Recently, I decided I would try my luck at eHarmony. I mean it matches you on compatibility - how many different levels does the commercial say? Billions and Billions?  I don't actually know if its that many but - just having a basis with someone that is like-minded might be nice for a change - so I entered my 16 digit credit card number, zip code and CVV and off I was into the world of "virtual dating". Sending "ice breakers" and meandering through the uncharted waters of "Guided Communication". "This is way we say hello, say hello, say hello..."

It was kind of exciting - looking at the profiles - imagining me with this guy in his favorite city of Bangladesh or that guy riding along on his plane, both of us giving that radical "thumbs up" pose with our aviator glasses hiding our fear and apprehension, or no, maybe THAT one - fighting the bull......wait a minute.... is that the NYSE Bull? photoshopped into a random street in Pamplona?? Give me a break, isn't there just a regular, run-of-the-mill man who still likes to posses the remote control, fart after a good bowl of chili and not take out the trash the first time you ask him? I mean that is what I'm used to. Maybe I'm the only woman left in the world dating the Neanderthals of the species. And science thinks they're extinct! I mean these men are accomplished men - They ran marathons, climbed the Alps, had a summer home and boat up east, took martial arts, and were VPs of this and CEOs of that. What kind of a woman handles those kind of men? They get pedicures and their teeth whitened, their hair product is more expensive than mine. Remember Glass Heart #5? Hairy Chest - I began doubting ANY of these men would possess that. Surely they waxed.


So after reading a plethora of perfect profiles one stood out among all other men.

His name was Terry. (His name has NOT been changed, because he's NOT innocent, but we'll get to that later). He was passionate about Drag Racing (ok so its a distance cousin to NASCAR and I wasn't SO excited about that), his profile picture was adorable though. He was wearing a jean jacket (number one sign he isn't a CEO to anything)and he was holding a beautiful little girl in his arms and he looked like he was singing some Christmas Carol to her. He wanted Honesty in a relationship. Wow, Maybe this was going to be O.K. after all. But the clencher came when I read his activities.
He listed them as such;
watching movies
napping
hanging out with friends

watching, napping, hanging - they are verbs - all ending in "ing". Those are things I enjoy doing in my everyday life as well. A walk a few times a week is really nice or a bike ride on a Sunday afternoon on the Loveland Bike Trail is doable - even on a trip to Colorado in the winter, I will strap on my skis, but for the every-day-kind-of-Jane that I am, those three activities Terry enjoyed suited me just fine. and if he so happened to have a hairy chest, it was ON! I just needed to figure out how I was going to ask that in a question. SO I sent him an ice breaker. I'm a liberated woman - I am comfortable enough in my own shoes to take on rejection. I mean it's only a "No" and there are lots of fish in the sea. Including me - cause I feel for everything he said "hook. line. and SINKER"

CHROMATICS I WANT YOUR LOVE VIDEO

I love contrast. Contrast of black on white. Contrast of a deep thrashing drum against the quiet reverberation of a harp. Contrast or a strong mans hand on my own soft flesh. And the contrast of these innocent images as the sultry sounds of the Chromatics play on in the background. I don't know that I prefer the music or the imagery over the other, but I like the way they look together.

I know that my own personality is very contrasting - my political views don't match my religious views - which doesn't match my societal morals or mores.

According to dictionary.com, used as a noun, Contrast means "opposition or juxtaposition of different forms, lines, or colors in a work of art to intensify each element's properties and produce a more dynamic expressiveness." And you the know the Oscar Wilde quote "“Life imitates art far more than art imitates life.” I think ones life is a work of art - therefore ones life is subjective. We can't be judgmental of each other in this life. It's not our job - to pass judgment on someone else. The only thing we should be passing over to another person is love. I'm open for that - give me your love.

Let's see what I could do with it.

Little Green Apples-O.C Smith-1968

Little Glass Heart

Mid-year I went through a break-up of a relationship that devastated me - not that I don't understand most break ups are devastating, or that I think mine was more devastating than yours - but to get to the next blog, I have to muddle through this one...

PREFACE - An Apple a Day

PREFACE (I know, blogs usually don't have a preface, but then one does)

2008ish 

A few years ago, while working at the Temple, I was finally able to put my design skills to use designing lobby presentations for High Holy Days, Shabbat Services, Kristallnacht, Yiddish Words & Phrases and a number of other subjects related to Judaism. I loved doing the research and learning so many new things.  Being a "non-Jew" I worried that my my work wouldn't be as true to the faith and the Jewish people as I desired it to be. I looked at Jewish Art, read the Prayer books and even listened to the Rabbi's Shabbat Services (as it was also my job to convert those files and save them on CD's for the congregants.) But more than anything I wanted the content and presentation to be meaningful to the viewers. I wanted to evoke an emotion from them - even if it was on a subject they understood and lived daily. I hoped that MY view, as an "outsider" would bring something more to light for them and it would become more meaningful in any small way.

As wonderful as it was to design the presentations and other marketing materials, I also had a lot of administrative work to complete. I found this to be mechanical, tedious work, best suited for someone "Left-Brained", not me, a creative and free spirit who particularly care to conform to societies groups, including that of an "artist". I am individualistic and feel constrained with policies and procedures and having my brain cluttered with the necessary format of a business letter or how to do the perfect mail merge. That information just doesn't sit well within my head - so I don't retain it. Try as I may, and as important as that information may be, I am just not the type of individual that should be doing that work.

One day I was so exasperated at the postage machine! I was trying to figure out why it wouldn't seal, after realizing I had just labeled 348 envelopes with the incorrect postage amount and stuffed them with letters to the congregants with the incorrect address format (It's THREE hard returns YVONNE! THREEEEEEE!!!)when I blurted out to Heather "All I want is an Apple Orchard! I just want to sit on the side of the road barefooted, feel the sun and rain on my face and sell my apples....maybe sing and play my dulcimer for people as they pick.... but I am tired of papers and formats and postage machines!" That thoughtful emotion came out of nowhere. I didn't consciously form that thought in my head. I really had never thought about owning an apple orchard. I mean I can barely keep a houseplant alive.

But once those words hit the air and they resounded in my own ears, I began thinking about how nice that would actually be. Yeah, an apple orchard. I have a dream. A real-doable-dream. I am sure I had dreamed before as a child, as to what I would be when I "grew up", but lately I couldn't remember any of those dreams. Life as an adult is hard, sometimes it totally gobbles up our dreams, or we get side-tracked, or we just plain don't know how to realize our dreams or have the resources or the people supporting and encouraging us.

fastforward 2010 - AN APPLE A DAY

I work with a great group of people in Marketing. Jason, who recently lost lots and lots of pounds, has  encouraged the rest of us, by his example,  to take better care of our bodies.  It all started with the apples he would bring in daily. He cuts them up and offers a piece to each of us, which we would greedily partake. I can't remember ever enjoying an apple more than those he would share. Soon we were all bringing in an apple as well and we would each get a slice or two of everyone's apples - so in essence we each ate a different apple everyday. It kind of became a game of "what-type-of-apple-who-would-bring-in" - we've sampled Galas, Granny Smiths, Honeycrisps, Jonathan, Fuji, and Pacific Gold.....to name a few...and we each have our favorites. You know, I never even realized there were so many different types of apples or how different their flavors and textures are - or how the sharing of these apples would keep my dream "In-My-Face" on a daily basis.

Other dreams began puddling around this one, reminding me of the importance of knowing what you want and not settling for anything less.

finding HAPPINESS, keeping PEACE, continued LEARNING, living LIFE (not watching everyone else from the sideline), sharing INTIMACY.....all things, that to me, the thoughtful desire for this apple orchard represents.

Owning an Apple Orchard? It is a far-fetched dream - granted - but still, it is mine. I haven't put any particular goals or objectives into action, haven't written a business plan, don't know the cost of purchasing land or even if Ohio is a good place to lay the seed. I do know that the sun shining on my face, with my toes in the dew-covered spring grass, while I strum out "Peace Train" as you gather a basket of Honeycrisps, sounds like a beautiful reality.

This is my story....

pink martini - hang on little tomato

What happened to the plan?

“Planning is bringing the future into the present so that you can do something about it now”

Alan Lakein

I don't particularly like this quote. Maybe because I am not a good planner....and it shows - believe me. I don't even know who Alan Lakein is and that bothers me. OK, so I took a moment to Google him. He's an author, and Bill Clinton credits his book to helping him achieve success by writing down all of his goals and then categorizing them by importance and then under each goal writing specific activities for achieving those goals. While that's all well and good for some, and would probably, perhaps, most definitely serve me well, I won't be making any lists and categorizing any activities under any goals. Maybe if I were planning a vacation to Montana and I was going fly fishing and moose hunting I might make a list. I am pretty sure you don't use worms and I am not even sure if moose exist in Montana. So for something like that I would make a list.

But right now my goals are pretty simple. Pay the bills on time. Don't eat sugar. Sleep all night. Don't cry. Focus. Focus. Focus. on the positive. Don't cry. Focus. Self-control. Self-control. Self-control. and Don't cry.

My very first post boasts of having this grand plan in two years - and get this, I even get generous with myself and state "the latter part of the second year", or something like that. Well, today that two year time line has passed and I am not one iota, one idea or even one list closer to achieving that goal. Am I kidding myself achieving? How about starting? Not even starting it. The ideas flourished in my head, I researched how to invoice customers, and read books but when it comes time to apply the intangible to concrete - nothing. I don't know if I got bored, thought it was going to be too much work, lost confidence in my abilities, became creatively blocked or just decided to quit. I am a quitter. I quit everything. It's a bad habit, I started young, I quit Bluebirds, I quit Brownies, I quit softball (although I am sure my teammates were quit thankful for that, I quit tap, I quit piano lessons, I quit band, I quit cheering, I quit nursing school....quit, quit, quit. I quit trying on my marriage(s). One would think after all of that quitting I would tire of revisiting the same outcome of UNsuccess. But I don't. The only thing I haven't quit is quitting.

What's that other quote "Life is what happens when we are making plans?"
That quote I can agree with. Life does happen. But it doesn't just happen to me - it happens to all of us - everyday. I guess those with lists know how to handle Life because everything is written in categories and subcategories that dictate just exactly what one should do when Life appears in front of us.

One of the most recent books I have read is Eckart Tolle's "The Power of Now". Great read. I needed it at the time I was reading it. His words spoke to me personally - specifically in regards to not being concerned with the past, or the future, but to only live here in the now. That can be difficult to do - I analyze everything, everyone, every thought I have...I have to make sense of it; mold it, shape it, color it so it fits perfectly where it is supposed to fit. But the truth is sometimes there is no sense to be made. Accepting that has been the hardest thing for me to understand and then to do. I have come to realize that within the confines my persona, comprised of the environment I grew up in and the way I perceive the world and how I live and love is not like others. Not that I am right and you are wrong. Just that there are differences. Vast amounts of variables that can make something so familiar to me become foreign and unknown.

Henry Miller says "“All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous, unpremeditated act without benefit of experience.”

I think I would rather grow than be successful.