Little Glass Heart

Mid-year I went through a break-up of a relationship that devastated me - not that I don't understand most break ups are devastating, or that I think mine was more devastating than yours - but to get to the next blog, I have to muddle through this one...



I was unpacking my bedroom, deciding what to keep and what to store. Being someone who appreciates a "minimalist" approach to decorating, I kept trinkets and the likes packed away, only retrieving my two sculptures of couples in intimate embraces, from the box marked BEDROOM-YVONNE. Just the writing of the box drove home the fact, that once again, I was alone. It was Yvonne's bedroom. Yvonne's BATH, Yvonne's CLOSET. I probably cried - I can't remember many days in the first few days after the move - or the following four months - when I wasn't crying. And, not that I'm weak, mind you. Of all the things I am NOT - weak is at the top of my "NOT" list. Got it? GOOD.


I sat on the bed and tried to console myself, prayed, cried more meditated then I started looking through the box marked "DESK - YVONNE"  for a pen. That's what I often do to help me attempt to understand my emotions. I analyze everything. I want to have understanding. I don't play the blame game - what happened - happened - because I once again settled for less than what I wanted and way less than what I know I deserve. I decided, that in order to not feel this way again I had to make changes. I had to stop accepting less. And by accepting less, I wasn't requiring more, from a potential mate, but expecting Simplicity. Like the simplicity of life I desire in my apple orchard, I wish that same simplistic realness to exist in my relationship with a man. I needed to gain a basis of understanding about where I was so I wouldn't be here again.

In the middle of the box, to the left of my computer speakers and under a glass heart, lay a pen and my leather binder. I grabbed the pen and binder, without regard to the glass heart. The lid fell off hitting the top of the speaker.  The shattering sound startled me, and I was sure the lid was at least chipped. And I began crying at the notion of this glass heart almost breaking - and began sobbing when I thought this glass heart was symbolic of my own heart that had broken. And then became hopeful, when upon picking it up and inspecting it, there was no chips. And through my tears I smiled, again, at the symbolism this glass heart immediately meant to me. It was a strong heart - it didn't matter that it appeared to be fragile - the fact was it wasn't. I couldn't even recall where this had come from. I didn't remember owning it or who would have given it to me, but I decided to set it on my bedside table as a reminder of the strength that can exist in something beautiful.

The things that led to the eventual break-up, I allowed. I did. It was all me.
I allowed the disrespect.
I allowed the lying.
I allowed the secrets to continue without question.
I knew and sensed it all, I even asked and received an answer, which I knew was a lie, and then I just went right on pretending with him.  Why didn't I listen to myself? WHY? I KNEW. I mean I KNEW. Every sign was there. Every single one. I believed his words, more than I believed his actions.

I began thinking about what it was that I really wanted. Right away - without hesitation - I knew HONESTY was my first desire. But not just "you" being honest with "me", but "you" being honest with you. How can anyone create and build a bond with someone on the basis of building yourself from lie? Why would anyone want to? Being the realness of who we are, is what will attract what we desire. Why would I want anyone to want me for less than who I am? or for only a portion of me? I will always be myself - that way - you know exactly who I am.

I looked over at that glass heart and tore a strip from my leather binder and wrote:
"Honest with himself & others"

Then I tore an entire sheet out and tore that sheet into strips and began scribbling what it was I wanted in a man the next time I became involved with anyone.

"Searching is OVER - knows who he is"

I expect at 40 plus we should know who we are, or at the very least ACCEPT who we are or make changes in the things we don't like about ourselves to become the person we say we are.

WOW. I knew what I wanted. I was writing this down with ease now.

"Non-smoker and drug free"


Yeah, seriously, on both counts - okay if it was in your past OK - but if its not - REFER to #1. I was a bit of a bitch on this one and it felt damn good.I will never forget the pit I felt in my stomach when he reached into his coat pocket and took out a pipe and lit it in my car on the way to a concert. Yeah, I won't deal with that again ever.


"Can teach me new things"


 I wanted to learn something more than I know - people know all kinds of stuff - teach me. Take the time to be with me and share with me things you are passionate about. Maybe this one relates more directly with just spending time together than anything else.

What else, I wondered....what else do I want? Those four things pretty much covered everything I desired from a man. I really took time to think about things that had happened in the past and what I would be willing to give up and where I would stand my ground. I knew these four things wasn't a lot, and they weren't selfish things. They were things I already brought to the table, kind of like common sense stuff. I was kind of proud that I hadn't been materialistic or asked for anything beyond the realm of real possibilities - then just for shits-n-giggles, having a weakness for a burly man, I took the fifth strip and wrote:

"Must have a hairy chest"

and I meant it.