I cannot hold back

Having this blog
had become my outlet
a place
to freely write about
my experiences
my thoughts
my fears
my feelings....about my experiences

it was very liberating to me
There is something about tapping it out on a keyboard and the musciality of the words that my mind is presenting on the screen, that flows without regard or worry as to what anyone would think of feel about MY thoughts and feelings.

It was enlightening to go back and read how I was feeling at a particular time
about a particular situation and see how my ideas or views had changed because of what I had written when I submerged in the moment I was experiencing those feelings.

then I told people about my blog. i "shared" it on Facebook.

and then my knowledge
that people I knew
were reading my innermost thoughts

made me become apprehensive in my writing


and that is not what I want to happen

I cant be afraid of my thoughts, my ideas
or more importantly my feelings about anything I may write

I cant care to be judged for being who i am and feeling how i feel.

I'm so torn between being honest with myself and writing what I feel
and holding back.

I dont want to hold back.
It's NOT who I am, and WHY am I holding back?

I try to rationalize why I am holding back. Right now I don't know.
Maybe I do but I don't want to share it yet.

Maybe working through some more blogs with progressively "get me there".

I AM feeling Something. I KNOW what it is.

I just cant bring myself to write it
or think it
and it really pisses me off that I am even fighting myself to feel it.

Don't hold back.

I've found myself

I wish I had thought to blog years ago.
or at the very least written a diary.
Consistently. not just spurts of emotion here and there.
How many times have I been so sure of where I am going?
More than I care to admit - makes me seem so wavering and unsure - but I'm not.
Not wavering and not unsure.
It's just that now I realize my worth.
It's just that now I have the confidence to demand no less.
It's just that now I can project outwardly everything I feel all that I am inside.
All that I have always been.
All that IS my entire being, all that my spirit has been from the beginning.
How many lives has it taken me to reach this point?
I dont think I will ever know, but to me - Yvonne- ,right now existing in this body, at this time,
is so beautiful. I wouldnt give back a moment of any pain I have experienced for being in the place I am at this moment. For knowing me. For knowing Yvonne.

I wish I could give this journey to my children. Wrap it in beautiful paper and tie it and say "Here, my pain is yours, my knowledge, my strength, my passion.. I give it to you. . You don't have to go through it."

I wish they would not have to travel the paths I have traveled - because the paths are so hurtful, so hard, so defining of who we are to become. To save my kids from the pain is all I would want to do - but the truth is that they must experience the hurt, the love, the loss, the beauty firsthand. For it to "stick", for you to learn and know it - and most importantly give it to others through your own ability to show love in the face of loss and sadness - you have to do it. There is no other way.

This past 9 months has been the best path I have taken. How can the hardest be the best?
It's the best
Even though it was not the path I was viewing from the distance.
Even though it was not the path I had been told my feet would trod.
Even though it was not the path I envisioned. or dreamt of.
Still, the purpose has been to serve me for the better. The cosmos, the Divine, God...knew.

Even though it is not the path I forseen, or the one I intended to take,
or the direction I had been told I woud go.
It is where I am.
And its so beautiful.

I have become so strong and so much of the person that I am on the inside because of all the "unintended paths".


I'm not afraid to say no.
I'm not afraid to disagree.
I'm not afraid to speak what I feel.
To anyone.
I am worthy all alone.
Just Yvonne.
I cannot even explain the power that gives mmy spirit.

Finding myself feels like nothing else in this world. I love myself.

I'd love to paint a picute of my heart. The progression of it.
A picture that would show the black darkness that has existed there-
from the self loathing
to the the pity-
to the hatred
and jealousy
and pain
that had dwelt inside of me -
but more importantly the progrssion of the change that has taken place.

A change I have worked damn hard to achieve.
through thoughtful meditations
and life experiences
and life losses
reading
observing
watching
but never
not alone
with the help of friends and family
who continously show me love and direction
and give me guidance with their words or actions.

I charge you to find yourself.
Youre so beautiful.
The you within.

Love,
The "ME" within

Prelude to the BDE

11 AM Saturday morning? Perfect. Lunch....then somewhere? Not sure yet. He'll look when he gets home. That was fine with me.
It's wonderful just knowing someone with the cerebral capacity to actually think on their own and make a plan.
So exciting. So surreal.
A place I can be the woman I am - and not an aggressive she-wolf, who has to control things, who must constantly make the suggestion or decision.
Giving up the reigns is super.
I know, it's just date plans, but that's the thing.
It's DATE plans.


I noticed immediately when I got in his car the radio was playing SIRIUS Chill,
the same channel I had tuned in to on our last date a week ago.
Thoughtful. Extremely thoughtful.

Where would I like to eat lunch?
"Where is it I asked?" (meaning the date, but then knowing I didn't want to know where we were going exactly I said "What way?"
"South" he said.
"There's a good Indian place, not too far."
Sounded good to him and we were off.

I took his hand...I so enjoy the intensity I feel every time we touch.

In the parking lot he complained of the mess in his car then he reached behind my seat and presented me with a beautiful potted Kordana Rose and a small box of chocolates (because he knew I was being mindful of what I ate). Again his thoughtfulness overwhelmed me. I had no idea he would have thought to get me anything like that. It made me feel so wonderful. It felt so absolutely beautiful to receive something. Not even that I am materialistic in any way-but the gesture, the thought, the act of giving me something really, honestly overwhelmed me. Even now, writing about it, I am so moved by his thoughtfulness. He actually had to process a thought of what I might like to have, he was indful of the fact that I have been not eating sugar and he had to get out of his car, go into a place of business, look for something, purchase it, think enough to hide it carefully so I wouldn't see it when I got into his car and then think of a clever way to give it to me. Total THOUGHTFULNESS. TOTAL thoughtfulness. My heart so appreciated his thoughtfulness too. Warmth.

The date could have ended here and it would have been in my top three.

Time - Passing of, Existing Within, Losing Track of and Wasting....

There is so much you can do with time!

I really don't like that I have let time pass by and I haven't documented it.
A month isn't a long time but a lot has happened in the past four - five weeks.
A lot, situationally and emotionally.
I'd like to rewind and blog about everything I've missed - but I am one of those people who has to write in the moment - or the emotion has to have been so very strong - positive or negative - that I can still pull from it and place words with it so you and I can really understand the situation.
It's not just for your observation and judgment of my life - its so I can read my growth as a person and learn from watching myself...from here on the outside - after the fact.

So here goes a quick run down of the past five weeks - cryptic as this is going to be - its the best I can do at the moment (something my life seems to have been made up of..."best-i-can-do-moments")

TICKING AWAY THE MOMENTS THAT MAKE UP THE DULL DAY.
Birthday party with GueSTS, MuSic, DRiNK and DaNCe. Seeking capacity to forgive. Gaining confidence on the job front. Giving Forgiveness. KICKING AROUND ON A PIECE OF GROUND IN YOUR HOMETOWN. Realizations. YOU RUN AND RUN. Possesing Gratitude. Seeking my PuRPoSe. Honesty. ALWAYS seeking my PuRPoSe. WAITING FOR SOMEONE OR SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU THE WAY. What IS my PuRPoSe? Laundry. Thankful. Snow. Family. Missed friends. Snow. Do I have a PuRPoSe? Truth. Rear-ended. 6 pounds gone. Reconnections. Loss. 3 pounds gone. Snow. TIRED OF LYING IN THE SUNSHINE STAYING HOME TO WATCH THE RAIN. Disease and surgery. Old friends-new acquaintances? Flirty? Yes. FLIRTY. Welcome Back 1 pound! Of course, you have a PuRPoSe! Fear. Steadfast. Condemnation. THOUGHT I HAD SOMETHING MORE TO SAY. Diligent. SELFLESS. Determined. Weariness. NEVER SEEM TO FIND THE TIME. Curious. Excitement. Texting, calling, emailing COMMUNICATING. STUCK. Change. SNOW and ICE. Dinner? hmmm? DINNER. Anxious. Excitement.
CALLS THE FAITHFUL TO THEIR KNEES
TO HEAR THE SOFTLY SPOKEN MAGIC SPELL.

It was just about a year ago I decided to completely stop hitting the snooze button. Alarms had been going off forever and I just hit snooze. There is way too much going on in this life to continue hitting "Snooze". Who and What I have missed already by doing that? Who knows? but I'm not missing anything else anymore.

Life is so damn beautiful.
People are so beautiful.

Lessons come hard to me - but they stick.
Our lives are made up of time - one moment overlapping another.
A rainbow of emotions.

I have learned that the only moment that matters is the one I am existing in right now.
Not what happened yesterday
or what may happen tomorrow.
Its important that I am here now.

I want to feel time emerge from behind me, pass over my shoulder and watch it forge ahead into another dimension.