I've found myself

I wish I had thought to blog years ago.
or at the very least written a diary.
Consistently. not just spurts of emotion here and there.
How many times have I been so sure of where I am going?
More than I care to admit - makes me seem so wavering and unsure - but I'm not.
Not wavering and not unsure.
It's just that now I realize my worth.
It's just that now I have the confidence to demand no less.
It's just that now I can project outwardly everything I feel all that I am inside.
All that I have always been.
All that IS my entire being, all that my spirit has been from the beginning.
How many lives has it taken me to reach this point?
I dont think I will ever know, but to me - Yvonne- ,right now existing in this body, at this time,
is so beautiful. I wouldnt give back a moment of any pain I have experienced for being in the place I am at this moment. For knowing me. For knowing Yvonne.

I wish I could give this journey to my children. Wrap it in beautiful paper and tie it and say "Here, my pain is yours, my knowledge, my strength, my passion.. I give it to you. . You don't have to go through it."

I wish they would not have to travel the paths I have traveled - because the paths are so hurtful, so hard, so defining of who we are to become. To save my kids from the pain is all I would want to do - but the truth is that they must experience the hurt, the love, the loss, the beauty firsthand. For it to "stick", for you to learn and know it - and most importantly give it to others through your own ability to show love in the face of loss and sadness - you have to do it. There is no other way.

This past 9 months has been the best path I have taken. How can the hardest be the best?
It's the best
Even though it was not the path I was viewing from the distance.
Even though it was not the path I had been told my feet would trod.
Even though it was not the path I envisioned. or dreamt of.
Still, the purpose has been to serve me for the better. The cosmos, the Divine, God...knew.

Even though it is not the path I forseen, or the one I intended to take,
or the direction I had been told I woud go.
It is where I am.
And its so beautiful.

I have become so strong and so much of the person that I am on the inside because of all the "unintended paths".


I'm not afraid to say no.
I'm not afraid to disagree.
I'm not afraid to speak what I feel.
To anyone.
I am worthy all alone.
Just Yvonne.
I cannot even explain the power that gives mmy spirit.

Finding myself feels like nothing else in this world. I love myself.

I'd love to paint a picute of my heart. The progression of it.
A picture that would show the black darkness that has existed there-
from the self loathing
to the the pity-
to the hatred
and jealousy
and pain
that had dwelt inside of me -
but more importantly the progrssion of the change that has taken place.

A change I have worked damn hard to achieve.
through thoughtful meditations
and life experiences
and life losses
reading
observing
watching
but never
not alone
with the help of friends and family
who continously show me love and direction
and give me guidance with their words or actions.

I charge you to find yourself.
Youre so beautiful.
The you within.

Love,
The "ME" within